All of the times
by 237am
Summary: Reid is lost and empty. He doesn't know how to feel anything but sad and makes a destructive decision. How will the agents react to the news of Spencer's death? And what will be the cause?


**This is my first fanfiction so please leave a review on your thoughts! Good or bad I just want your guy's opinion! :)**

 _ **"I know what it's like to be afraid of your own mind." -Doctor Spencer Reid**_

It was 1:27 A.M or so Spencer estimated. He could hear the other prisoners fighting and arguing. Spencer frowned as he remembered his childhood. He was forced to listen to his parents argue in the middle of the night. He remembers crying himself to sleep every night in hopes that it would stop. One day it did though. Spencer can still recall his dad's attire on the day he left, right in front of him, and his mom. In a way, Spencer hated himself and blamed himself for his dad's abandonment. How bad did he have to be, for a dad to leave his son's life, forever? And Spencer knew the statistics of divorce and he knew he wasn't the only one who had to deal with it. He still felt like he was though, with his mother being the paranoid schizophrenic that she was, and Spencer being well, Spencer, he knew that he was alone. That was the first time Spencer wished he wasn't alive. Maybe then his parents would still be together.

The second time which turned into more than the second time, but he still categorized it as the second time. Was every day that he was bullied. Spencer was brilliant. He was the smartest kid in every room and he knew, they knew it, everyone knew it. He was never really sure if that was a blessing or a curse. He remembers being called names and being beat up. The worst was when he was stripped naked and tied to a flagpole for hours. While everyone just laughed and joked. He could feel the heat of all their eyes just staring at him. While he was up there he even wished that the rope would just break and he would fall to the cement, killing him instantly, and sending his offenders to a lifetime in prison. That didn't happen obviously. But when he did get down and he finally did get home, his mother hadn't noticed and he never told another soul until he told Morgan one day when they were working a case about bullying. He always thought if he didn't talk about it he would just forget. He never did.

The next time was when he was 18 years old and ready to do bigger and better things with his life. He had to give his mom away. She was a paranoid schizophrenic and Spencer couldn't take care of her anymore. He gave her away and she didn't understand what was going on until she was dragged out of her own house where she had lived and raised Spencer to be the man he was. The second she had been pulled out of the room Spencer broke down and hated himself because he was so stupid. He had officially given away the only person who had ever stuck with him, his own mother, even if she was diagnosed as crazy. He could not live with himself.

The time after that was Tobias Hankel. Sometimes he even wishes that he had never been brought back to life after Tobias strangled him. It wasn't Tobias that made him hate himself. No, it was the Dilaudid. He hated that he wasn't strong enough to fight off the cravings. How he could only feel good, or at least better with the drug. It never did make him happy though, only numbed the pain. It was good enough for Spencer though. It had to be.

The next time after that, was after Spencer thought he had found his home, he thought he was happy with his BAU family. He had Garcia who could brighten anyone's day. He had Hotch who held a stern face but cared so much for the team, even if he didn't show it. He had JJ, who was the only person in the world that called him Spence. He had Emily, one of the most genuine people he had ever met. He had the closest thing to a brother he had ever had, his best friend Morgan. He had Gideon. The man he looked up to like his father. The one that Spencer looked to impress, Spencer looked up to him. So that day when Spencer drove up to Gideon's cabin all alone and he found the letter that had been addressed to him, about Gideon leaving the BAU, he couldn't help feel a piece of himself die inside. Spencer was looking for something to relieve his pain and Gideon was looking to believe in happy endings. Which only made Spencer more depressed and craving Dilaudid more than ever because it meant that Spencer didn't make Gideon happy. Despite what they letter said. Spencer was sure of two things. 1. Spencer looked to Gideon as a mentor, a father figure. And Gideon looked at Spencer the same way he looked at anyone else. 2. He had been abandoned yet again, by someone he thought would never leave, or at least not by choice.

The time after that was when Emily had "died" or at least he had thought she did. He hated himself and thought he was worth nothing. If they couldn't even protect each other then how would they protect anyone else? When he had found out that Emily was alive, he didn't know how to react. He knew he should be happy because she was alive. But the people he trusted the most, JJ and even Hotch, had so easily lied to him. He wondered why he ever trusted anyone and he swore to himself that he would never trust anyone again. Unfortunately, working in the FBI, specifically the BAU you do not get a choice of who you get to trust.

Time went by. People came into the BAU almost as quickly as they left. He still had what he considered his family though. He still had Morgan, JJ, Hotch, Garcia, and Emily. And for awhile he was actually happy. Well as happy as you could be working in the BAU. He had found Maeve, the love of his life. She even told him that she loved him. He had never heard that before besides from his mother of course but his biggest regret, was never telling her the same. The day that Maeve's stalker killed herself and Maeve. Was the same day that a piece of himself died too. Spencer had never felt this way before. He had mourned the loss of some of his closest friends that he loved, as friends. But never someone he loved, more than a friend. He did not know what to do with himself. The scene replayed over and over again in his head. He didn't sleep for days, couldn't bother himself to eat. He didn't leave his apartment for weeks. He almost took his own life, 4 times to be exact. The other times he didn't count because they were only breakdowns. Sometimes he still wonders why he didn't. But when he finally returned to work, his friends and colleagues slowly built him back up, but this time there would forever be a missing piece.

The next time was when his best friend in the whole world. Derek Morgan had decided to leave the BAU. Morgan had been his best friend. They were extremely close. Derek looked after Spencer like an older brother. Spencer loved everyone in the BAU, but Derek always had a special place in Spencer's heart. Not in a love type of way, Spencer couldn't explain it. But the day that Morgan had walked out of the bullpen for the last time. Spencer knew that he could never be replaced. Spencer would never admit to it, but he cried himself to sleep for awhile after that. Morgan had always been there for him, for anything. He buried the thought of Morgan next to Maeve. The two people that meant the most to him. He was once again, alone.

All of the times just added up, not to mention the fact that Spencer is locked up in a jail cell. The only thing he can stare at is the cold brick walls and the bars that keep him trapped. They just add up like every math equations that he had ever solved. He thought of more things to add to it. All the people that had died because of him, all the people that were not happy because of him, all the people he couldn't save. It was in that moment that Spencer realized there was one more person that couldn't be saved. And he hated to be that weak that he had to end his life in a small, clustered, and cold cell. He even tried to talk himself down, just like he had to when people were going to take their own life. Spencer's life, he concluded, had been a series of small failures over and over away, Spencer never stood a chance. "Suicide is a permanent situation to a temporary problem," he said still trying to convince himself out of it. But once again he failed.


End file.
